Monday 22nd July - Bonus Content
I got some really nice professional feedback today, from a school head I’ve worked with a few times. It was a much-needed confidence boost. When it works, partnership working is great.
Monday 22nd July 2024
B is the bravest, loyalest, bestest boy ever. Yesterday he came swimming with me. He’s never been too sure about water, enjoying a paddle but never wanting to get out of his depth, until last year in Scotland when the lure of stinky seaweed became enough to overcome his fear in order to chase. Yesterday, we were at a small, disused reservoir. He had a quick paddle at first, and soon decided that was enough, so I tied him to a nearby tree and left him with his toy, while I went and joined my friends back un the water. I was surprised how quiet he was being, until we realised he had managed to escape! He came running back to shore, and, evidently afraid that I was in trouble, hurled himself in and started swimming towards me. Once he realised I was fine, he carried on splashing around quite happily. It was so lovely to share this experience with him. Humans do not deserve dogs.
Sunday 30th June.
It’s been three weeks since last post, because I’m finding it hard to find positivity in anything for a while. Even during a week’s holiday in my favourite place with some of my favourite people, I spent a lot of time feeling tearful and bleak. I’m sure this was partly to do with the weather, which was relentlessly cold and windy, but I know there was more to it than that. Since I got home a week ago, it’s been a really struggle, reaching crisis point on Thursday and yesterday.
Even over this incredibly difficult weekend, there have been bright spots: an incredibly kind and unexpected gesture from a friend. Other friends making plans with me, including dinner at a favourite pub this evening. Cuddles from my dog. My ex going out of his way to be around for me when I was panicking. My boss completing a piece of work for me because she knew I was overwhelmed. Sunshine and warm weather. That last one has been something of a mixed blessing, because I haven’t felt up to making the most of it and I’ve felt like I have no one to enjoy it with, but better to be warm and miserable than cold and miserable, if you ask me.
In trying to find a way forward, I ended up calling the NHS 24 mental health crisis line yesterday, and they will give my GP a prod to try and speed up the psychiatric referral that was supposedly made in March. There must be a way to get better.
Even over this incredibly difficult weekend, there have been bright spots: an incredibly kind and unexpected gesture from a friend. Other friends making plans with me, including dinner at a favourite pub this evening. Cuddles from my dog. My ex going out of his way to be around for me when I was panicking. My boss completing a piece of work for me because she knew I was overwhelmed. Sunshine and warm weather. That last one has been something of a mixed blessing, because I haven’t felt up to making the most of it and I’ve felt like I have no one to enjoy it with, but better to be warm and miserable than cold and miserable, if you ask me.
In trying to find a way forward, I ended up calling the NHS 24 mental health crisis line yesterday, and they will give my GP a prod to try and speed up the psychiatric referral that was supposedly made in March. There must be a way to get better.
Sunday 9th June 2024.
I asked for help today, and people responded. It’s an incredibly difficult thing to do, especially when the thing you need help with is fear of rejection, but there are people who understand and can share their skills and support without it being disempowering.
The weather is disappointingly grey and cool, but it’s still summer, and the evenings are long. B and I had a lovely walk through a field of wild flowers, and I saw a fox cub. It trotted across the path a few metres from us, pausing to look straight at us for a second. I assume B didn’t see it as he didn’t react at all. It was lovely.
The weather is disappointingly grey and cool, but it’s still summer, and the evenings are long. B and I had a lovely walk through a field of wild flowers, and I saw a fox cub. It trotted across the path a few metres from us, pausing to look straight at us for a second. I assume B didn’t see it as he didn’t react at all. It was lovely.
Friday 6th June 2024.
I’m finding it really hard to stay positive in the face of relentless disappointment, isolation, exclusion and silence. But I can definitely say that having a Best-Friend-In-Law, and a wise champagne-quaffing mentor, are the most positive part of my life right now.
Monday 3rd June 2024.
Work is very busy and stressful at the moment, but it makes so much difference to have supportive and appreciative senior management, who are willing to work collaboratively. I am getting used to it, after a couple of years of really miserable experiences. The general environment is just so much nicer now, and my immediate colleagues are lovely. Of course, the fact that I only have eight more working days before I go on holiday is quite motivating as well.
Sunday 2nd June 2024.
Yesterday’s positivity was having a relaxing day with no obligations or pressure. I had a longish lie-in, did some bits of housework, caught up with the first couple of episodes of Springwatch, and took B for a walk. I also found a tent I’ve had my eye on for months at half price, just when I wanted to buy it, but as Millets haven’t confirmed my order yet, I’m hesitant to call it a positive just yet.
Today, the weather has been glorious. I went shopping for nice things this morning, and discovered that my go-to Malbec is available in compact, stay-fresh boxes, so I stocked up for my forthcoming holiday. I am starting to get excited, because the BBC Weather app is now starting to show the dates we will be away. Admittedly it’s not looking especially promising so far, but uncertain weather is the price we pay for going to the north west coast of Scotland, and when the sun does come out, there’s nowhere better.
This evening I will go to bed in a clean and tidy room for the first time in a while, but for now, I’m watching Countryfile’s D-Day 80th anniversary commemoration and indulging in Second World War geekery. It’s been a quiet weekend, but next one will be busy, and for the two after that, I’ll be on holiday!
Today, the weather has been glorious. I went shopping for nice things this morning, and discovered that my go-to Malbec is available in compact, stay-fresh boxes, so I stocked up for my forthcoming holiday. I am starting to get excited, because the BBC Weather app is now starting to show the dates we will be away. Admittedly it’s not looking especially promising so far, but uncertain weather is the price we pay for going to the north west coast of Scotland, and when the sun does come out, there’s nowhere better.
This evening I will go to bed in a clean and tidy room for the first time in a while, but for now, I’m watching Countryfile’s D-Day 80th anniversary commemoration and indulging in Second World War geekery. It’s been a quiet weekend, but next one will be busy, and for the two after that, I’ll be on holiday!
Friday 31st May 2024
Chesney Hawkes! What a great showman! What a great night! The summer of 1991 was the best of times and the worst of times, and definitely one of the most memorable and defining periods of my life. It felt right to celebrate it as I close in on my fiftieth birthday, with the person I have known longest outside of my family, my primary school best friend. We both went thinking it would be a laugh, but with no real expectations other than that we would obviously have to wait until the very end of the night to hear The One and Only. However, Chesney and his band played a fun and lively mix of distantly familiar tracks from the Buddy’s Song soundtrack, catchy new material, and covers, most memorably including the Vienna to his Shaddap You Face*, James’ Sit Down, which he said he felt guilty for keeping off the number one spot. Before the anticipated and excellent guest appearance by Nik Kershaw, there was an unexpected one by Saffron from Republica, who, like Chesney, does not appear to have aged a day, and was as Ready To Go as she was back in the day. All in all, a brilliant evening of nostalgia and gossip.
*Totally unfair comparison.
*Totally unfair comparison.
Thursday 30th May 2024
Sometimes, positivity is found in nature, or beauty, or companionship.
Other times, it’s found in the fact that it’s Friday - and pay day - tomorrow.
Other times, it’s found in the fact that it’s Friday - and pay day - tomorrow.
Wednesday 29th May 2024
Everyone thinks they have the best friends. They probably do. I definitely do. I meant what I said about being unwilling to express gratitude to a beautifully indifferent universe, but I have a core group of approximately eight chosen family members to whom, and to whose ancestors, I will forever be grateful for the fact that they are alive at the same time as me. To feel understood and listened to and cared for and trusted by these people is one of the most valuable things in my life. I love them. I celebrate them. And I know I am loved by them.
Tuesday 28th May 2024.
I started this journal to try and make myself identify something good in every day, but it will also be helpful to have a record to look back on. This morning, I woke up feeling calm and content, and better than I have for at least a week. Even though it feels like it when I’m in the midst of one, the bad times don’t last forever.
Other positives today include a useful work visit, quality time with my dog, and conversations with some of my closest people. I also have the house to myself this evening, so I’m watching cheesy old TV from my youth.
Other positives today include a useful work visit, quality time with my dog, and conversations with some of my closest people. I also have the house to myself this evening, so I’m watching cheesy old TV from my youth.
Monday 27th May 2024.
A bank holiday, so another four-day week this week with things to look forward to. On Friday I’m meeting up with my oldest friend to go and see Chesney Hawkes, who promises to take us back to the summer of 1991. I doubt he’s got a literal time machine, but that was one of the most exciting and defining periods of my life, so I’ll take my chances. Then, at the weekend, I need to buy a new tent and sort out some other bits of kit ahead of a week in one of my favourite places, with some of my favourite people.
I have also kicked demand avoidance into touch today by renewing my car insurance for slightly less than this year’s price, and cancelling the auto-renewed policy with my old provider. This may not sound like much, but it always requires the ceremonial donning of the Big Girl Pants, and to have got it out of the way feels like an important achievement.
I have also kicked demand avoidance into touch today by renewing my car insurance for slightly less than this year’s price, and cancelling the auto-renewed policy with my old provider. This may not sound like much, but it always requires the ceremonial donning of the Big Girl Pants, and to have got it out of the way feels like an important achievement.
Sunday 26th May 2024
A lovely, evening walk, after rain. Everything is so green and fresh. There are wild flowers everywhere; I’ve never seen so many foxgloves around here before. A real sense of summer beginning, with the evening light and the sun warm on my back as I came home. A good walk for B, who found lots of new things to sniff. We are very fortunate to live somewhere relatively rural and quiet, with nature on our doorstep, visible and audible outside the windows.