Profile

I find myself on the precipice of my fifties, having lived with anxiety and depression since adolescence, having been diagnosed with ADHD four years ago, and having learned that Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is an increasingly-recognised phenomenon that has been ruining my life for decades. Starting this journal is one of several strategies I’m trying to adopt to reduce its impact on my future. Read any article on RSD, anxiety, or any flavour of mental ill health, and you’ll probably see mindfulness and positive thinking mentioned, along with the suggestion of keeping a “gratitude journal”. As a lifelong, belligerent atheist, the concept of expressing “gratitude” to a perfectly indifferent universe does not sit comfortably with me. As a lifelong cynic and Goth, I’m not sure positivity does either, but I’m prepared to give it a go for science. I am trying to live more mindfully and in the moment, and this space is intended to be a record of my experiences.

Other labels that contribute to my identity as a walking bag of cliches include “feminist” “lefty”, “tattooed”, “pierced”, “bisexual”, “fat”, “polyamorous” and “wild swimmer”. My atheism is Pagan-adjacent and I acknowledge the Sabbats and quarter days. I have a zero tolerance policy towards bigotry, and I will always prioritise trans people’s rights and safety over cis people’s comfort. I live on the edge of London with my similarly-neuroqueer dog.